In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
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me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
My youngest son can now reach the light switches, so don’t come over to my house, unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
The year is 2065. Every adjective once used to describe another person is now deemed offensive. Noone’s left their homes in years.
I love how all the characters in kids shows are always SO thrilled while at work. Like Bob never gets pissed over a missing screwdriver.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Are people in Canada allowed to go oat and aboat yet?