Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
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Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.