@TheNewsAtGlenn

Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?

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@Reverend_Scott

[rubs magic lamp]

GENIE: You get 3 wishes

“Anything?”

GENIE: No wishin for more wishes

“I wish for more genies”

GENIE: I don’t like you

@LlamaInaTux

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

@ewfeez

I can turn anything into a boomerang just by throwing it straight up

@hippieswordfish

‘welcome to subway how can i-‘

ME:*punches counter*WHY DOES THE KOOL-AID MAN CARRY A SMALLER PITCHER OF KOOL-AID

‘sir-‘

M: IS IT HIS PISS

@KeetPotato

Yes, I’d like to return this pizza

“is there a problem, sir?”

*opens box* ITS GOT NO TOPPINGS ON

“sir, you’ve opened the box upside-down”

@glu_ben

I’ve limited my friends to 3 people that know how to split a dinner bill w/o causing a fiasco and life has been awesome since.

@ArfMeasures

ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today

ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE

ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you

@TheWidowmakerX

Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?

Me: Yes

@Desert_Musings

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

@gingerfaced

My current diet all ends with an S.

Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.