[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
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[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg
Patient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
I can turn anything into a boomerang just by throwing it straight up
‘welcome to subway how can i-‘
ME:*punches counter*WHY DOES THE KOOL-AID MAN CARRY A SMALLER PITCHER OF KOOL-AID
M: IS IT HIS PISS
Yes, I’d like to return this pizza
“is there a problem, sir?”
*opens box* ITS GOT NO TOPPINGS ON
“sir, you’ve opened the box upside-down”
I’ve limited my friends to 3 people that know how to split a dinner bill w/o causing a fiasco and life has been awesome since.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Everything that’s in sights.