@TheNewsAtGlenn

Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?

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@Hebafouad21

In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.

@mommy_cusses

Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese

@LimeyTheGreat

My youngest son can now reach the light switches, so don’t come over to my house, unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.

@Parker_Simpson

The year is 2065. Every adjective once used to describe another person is now deemed offensive. Noone’s left their homes in years.

@bobbiejo448

I love how all the characters in kids shows are always SO thrilled while at work. Like Bob never gets pissed over a missing screwdriver.

@CurlsOnGirls

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.