@TheNewsAtGlenn

Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?

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@crylenol

VAN GOGH: Go on, open it. You’ll like it. Much better than last year.
GIRL: It isn’t another ear is it, Vince?
VAN GOGH: what

@Senor_LongDong

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

@KeetPotato

elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]

@kumailn

Xmas Russian Roulette:
1. Sit next to parents.
2. Type any letter into browser on your laptop.
3. Go to the website it auto completes to.

@concretesledge_

The tag on this hot tub reads “6 man” when I clearly ordered a 1 man 5 woman hot tub. This one is going back!

@uncledrunky

My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.

This is bullshit.

@JJSummertime

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

@InternetHippo

CNN, 1939: Invading Poland made him sexy 😉

CNN, 1940: Hitler has developed a disturbing penchant for invasions