nothing saves money like being antisocial
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VAN GOGH: Go on, open it. You’ll like it. Much better than last year.
GIRL: It isn’t another ear is it, Vince?
VAN GOGH: what
Me: you want some trail mix?
Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Xmas Russian Roulette:
1. Sit next to parents.
2. Type any letter into browser on your laptop.
3. Go to the website it auto completes to.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
The tag on this hot tub reads “6 man” when I clearly ordered a 1 man 5 woman hot tub. This one is going back!
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
CNN, 1939: Invading Poland made him sexy 😉
CNN, 1940: Hitler has developed a disturbing penchant for invasions