*Putting ikea furniture together*
Her: ummm, it’s supposed to be a dresser
Me:* Standing next to a wooden T.Rex* I KNOW WHAT IM DOING, LINDA
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
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[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
Love Mom XO
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
It only took me 40 some years to find the perfect skincare, haircare, and fragrance lines for myself so I’m not exactly optimistic that I’ll ever have any luck finding a man
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.