Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?

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*Putting ikea furniture together*
Her: ummm, it’s supposed to be a dresser
Me:* Standing next to a wooden T.Rex* I KNOW WHAT IM DOING, LINDA


[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.


[first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.


OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.

Love Mom XO


I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..


It only took me 40 some years to find the perfect skincare, haircare, and fragrance lines for myself so I’m not exactly optimistic that I’ll ever have any luck finding a man


Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?


Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.