@TheToddWilliams

Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?

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@Dis0beyJay

*Putting ikea furniture together*
Her: ummm, it’s supposed to be a dresser
Me:* Standing next to a wooden T.Rex* I KNOW WHAT IM DOING, LINDA

@awescar

[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.

@dafloydsta

[first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.

@Marcmywords2

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

@DBStoner

I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..

@themicheniche

It only took me 40 some years to find the perfect skincare, haircare, and fragrance lines for myself so I’m not exactly optimistic that I’ll ever have any luck finding a man

@HomeProbably

Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?

@envydatropic

Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.