Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
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Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
same bro
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.