Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Who called it a birth certificate instead of a born identity?
You Might Also Like
“How was your day mom?” is teenager for I need something that costs money.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
What did i just read…
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
TRICKLE DOWN ECONOMICS EXPLAINED:
1) Rich people make money
2) It “trickles down” to offshore banks
3) Government closes libraries/hospitals