@cbdoubleu

Who called it a birth certificate instead of a born identity?

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@momTruthBomb

Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.

@Divergentmama

“How was your day mom?” is teenager for I need something that costs money.

@Lowenaffchen

My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work

@Dani_Feld

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

@tastefactory

“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt

@_squiggz

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

@Fred_Delicious

*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”

@chris_coltrane

TRICKLE DOWN ECONOMICS EXPLAINED:
1) Rich people make money
2) It “trickles down” to offshore banks
3) Government closes libraries/hospitals