Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
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My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge