JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
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[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
asked my bf how work was today
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.