Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
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If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
S O O N
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.