Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
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Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Happy birthday to all the women