Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
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Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
[the middle of showering] I need a break
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!