Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
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“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
[answering door on halloween]
please stop giving the children hamsters
ME *hands full of hamsters*:
but it’s Halloween
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.