Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
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Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Damn he played himself
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions