@SteveKoehler22

Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?

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@Fyrekrakr73

Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

@AmishPornStar1

“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”

me, to the collection agency

@RolandRolly1959

Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.

@AllanForsyth

I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.

What can I say, I really loves them big feet.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.

@iamspacegirl

[answering door on halloween]

NEIGHBORHOOD MOM:
please stop giving the children hamsters

ME *hands full of hamsters*:
but it’s Halloween

@mommajessiec

Me: *explains math problem*

Tween: I don’t understand.

Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*

@bartandsoul

Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy

Wife: You’re supposed to cook it

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: *wakes up sobbing*

Him: Again??

Me: I’m just so terrified…

Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”

Me: I know… I know.