Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?

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Apparently saying ‘exist over there’ while pointing is not the best way to greet people in the mornings.


Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.


PERSON: I’m exhausted!

ME: Me too! What’d you do?

PERSON: Ran a half-marathon and helped my pal move. You?

ME: I talked to like 4 people.


The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other


*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no


Sometimes I think you have good taste in clothing as I try on your sundress.
Other times I think you need a better home security system


My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)


“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.


The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.


You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*