Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
You Might Also Like
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.