Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”

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*opens kitchen garbage to discover there’s no bag in it*

*walks 6 miles to gas station to throw out kleenex rather than putting new bag in*


I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey


forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10


Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.


One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him


This poem is called “First lines of emails I’ve received while quarantining.”


The ladies call me Space Mountain…

…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.



*At my future wedding* “Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband”

Me to the groupchat: omg do I say yes or is that desperate


Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired


*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*