@ThugRaccoons
@SeanEmeny
Before mustaches were invented, people had to just GUESS who owned a water bed
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@SeanEmeny
@zzoker
Mathematics is the only place you can buy 60 watermelons and no one questions you
@Diversion50
IAN: Why is that bear hanging out in the bar?
ME: He’s a well known, gimmick.
IAN: Really?
ME: That’s Conan. Conan The Bar Bear, Ian.
@PoshTick
[school reunion]
everyone: mirror selfies!
lana: *slowly removing name tag*
@Mr_Mike_Clarke
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
@surrealvehicle
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
@cassaleigh_
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
@crunchenhanced
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
@Sadieisonfire
If I answer yes maybe it’ll finally come true
@lmegordon
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.