Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
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I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
And now we wait
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Very good news from my accountant
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?