@ThugRaccoons

Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”

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@BoozeWallet

*opens kitchen garbage to discover there’s no bag in it*

*walks 6 miles to gas station to throw out kleenex rather than putting new bag in*

@seamussaid

I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey

@good_fats

forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10

@ShanaRose21

Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.

@LuvPug

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

@jessica_salfia

This poem is called “First lines of emails I’ve received while quarantining.”

@Shade510

The ladies call me Space Mountain…

…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.

Wooooohhhhooooo!!!

@tbhjuststop

*At my future wedding* “Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband”

Me to the groupchat: omg do I say yes or is that desperate

@runawaycupcake

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired

@myonlymizztake

*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*