@ThugRaccoons

Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”

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@SeanEmeny

Before mustaches were invented, people had to just GUESS who owned a water bed

@zzoker

Mathematics is the only place you can buy 60 watermelons and no one questions you

@Diversion50

IAN: Why is that bear hanging out in the bar?

ME: He’s a well known, gimmick.

IAN: Really?

ME: That’s Conan. Conan The Bar Bear, Ian.

@PoshTick

[school reunion]

everyone: mirror selfies!

lana: *slowly removing name tag*

@surrealvehicle

morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

me: they both taste exactly the same

morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?

me: OH MY GOD

@cassaleigh_

Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.

@crunchenhanced

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.

@lmegordon

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.