It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
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My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
So is tomorrow the day Trump & all his supporters say “April Fools!” & we get our country back?
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Brands during Pride
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.