@KylePlantEmoji

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty

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@averyhartmans

It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this

@RichRogersIoT

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed.

Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

@kumailn

So is tomorrow the day Trump & all his supporters say “April Fools!” & we get our country back?

@PaperWash

Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.

@Crunch11b

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

@Kris_Florio

“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”

“How are your resurrecting skills?”

@LizHackett

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

@mjkspeaks

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.