Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
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Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor