Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
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trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Me buying fruit and veg
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither