@craiguito

Who called it a pharmacy and not a coughy shop?

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@The_Mentalyst

*Meanwhile at a restaurant*

Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?

Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.

*Picks table and walks out*

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If you want to confuse a teen just ask them what the opposite of literally is.

@KeetPotato

[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]

@ArfMeasures

Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah!

[After spending a week with me]

Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?

@WheelTod

[Traffic Stop]

Cop: Sir, please step out of the car

Me: But you said…

Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.

@WilliamAder

Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.

@david8hughes

As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”

@GingerHotDish

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

@_Water_Baby

Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.