Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
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Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.