@craiguito
@The_Mentalyst
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
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@The_Mentalyst
@OhNoSheTwitnt
If you want to confuse a teen just ask them what the opposite of literally is.
@KeetPotato
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
@ArfMeasures
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
@WheelTod
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
@WilliamAder
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
@david8hughes
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
@TheDeducers
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
@GingerHotDish
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
@_Water_Baby
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.