Who called it a pharmacy and not a coughy shop?

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*Meanwhile at a restaurant*

Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?

Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.

*Picks table and walks out*


If you want to confuse a teen just ask them what the opposite of literally is.


[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]


Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah!

[After spending a week with me]

Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?


[Traffic Stop]

Cop: Sir, please step out of the car

Me: But you said…

Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.


Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.


As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”


Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.


Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.