I don’t like dictatorships. All dictators should be shot, and if anybody disagrees with me, they should be shot as well.
Who called it a pillow fight and not assault with a bedly weapon?
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A little too much information.
this is anya, she’s better at jenga than i could ever hope to be
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
me: son, you’re adopted
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
Bond: “Bond, James Bond”
Moneypenny: “Moneypenny, Miss Moneypenny”
Q: [looking dejected] “Q, just Q, Q”
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles