Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
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Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay