who called it a toilet and not an IP address
You Might Also Like
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Möther may I have a snäck
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo