Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
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Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Worst bar ever.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so