WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
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My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
The 5 second rule doesn’t count if you have a 3 second dog.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
If you really loved me I’d be a weird smell coming from your crawlspace right now