Jude: hey there
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
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BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
“Bartender, see that brunette at the end of the bar? I’d like you to bring her a slice of your finest ham.”
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?