who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure

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Dog Walking Business Idea:
1. Train every dog to walk another dog.
2. Put the dogs in a dog walking circle.


I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.


my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now


I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.


Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years

Me: punching a goose in its mouth

Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position

Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose


When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.


Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left


she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen