@FredTaming

who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure

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@rolldiggity

Dog Walking Business Idea:
1. Train every dog to walk another dog.
2. Put the dogs in a dog walking circle.
3. GO TO A MOVIE!

@imence2

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

@prufrockluvsong

my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now

@GensPlace

I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.

@TweetPotato314

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years

Me: punching a goose in its mouth

Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position

Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose

@sucittaM

When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.

@prettysadmostly

Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left

@shutupmay

she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen