who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
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Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!