@TheRichieK

Who called it an echo chamber instead of agreeculture

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@Jeff_Gephart

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off

@aka_fatman

Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!

Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….

@abbycohenwl

You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car

@lesbo86

My doctor asked me if I might be pregnant. I told him I’d be giving birth to a pack of Duracell batteries if I was

@RodLacroix

My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.

@bonehugsnirony

Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*

@BillMc7

I see your point. You’re right. My timing could have been much better. I’m sorry I proposed to you at your father’s funeral.

@neiltyson

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

@Try2StopME

99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.

@MafiaJoker78

????My lactose-free, gluten-free, wheat-free, carb-free, nut-free, fat-free milkshake, brings all the weirdos to the yard…????