(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
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“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.