who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You Might Also Like
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Sell your car
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.