Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
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We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?