@CrunkDriver

Who called it an internal dialogue, instead of an invoice?

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@AtticusFinch79

[waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes

@XplodingUnicorn

My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.

At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.

@peterjames48

“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)

@Donna_McCoy

Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.

@Imsohoppy

I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.

@TheAlexNevil

*first day as a conductor

“Tickets, please”

*the orchestra is confused

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

@ActualPerson084

INCREASINGLY DESPERATE GOOGLE SEARCH FOR “HOW MANY SHADOWS SHOULD I HAVE?”

@_troyjohnson

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”

@BDublicious

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.