[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Who called it an internal dialogue, instead of an invoice?
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My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
*first day as a conductor
*the orchestra is confused
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
INCREASINGLY DESPERATE GOOGLE SEARCH FOR “HOW MANY SHADOWS SHOULD I HAVE?”
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.