Who called it an internal dialogue, instead of an invoice?

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[first day as Tour Guide in History Museum]

“And if you look over here you’ll see a lot more really old shit.”


When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that


virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤

coronavirus: i got this


virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?

coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel


If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you


The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.


[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?


Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*


[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next


UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over


[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really