Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
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Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
english majors be like furthermore
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.