What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
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Fear is not the same is respect. For instance I fear bears but integrity wise they are huge pieces of shit
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Sext I just received from my wife- “Wake up! You’re snoring so loud on the couch, you may as well come to bed.”
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”
Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.