Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?

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What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.

What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.


Fear is not the same is respect. For instance I fear bears but integrity wise they are huge pieces of shit


If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed


Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.


My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.


Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen


Sext I just received from my wife- “Wake up! You’re snoring so loud on the couch, you may as well come to bed.”


This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.