Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
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I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Always a housemaid, never a house.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical