Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
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If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
This kid is a star!
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
My neck, my back, my…
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.