Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
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He a real one for that
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.