Who called it baking and not making love
You Might Also Like
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Donating blood today to make room for more food