Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?
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NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Just a phase…
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.