Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?
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[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Holy shit he’s back
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”