who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
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*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
mathematically impossible
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3