Who called it confronting ur husband Stanley about flirty texts from a girl named Rebecca from a former soviet state and not Who’sbeckystan?

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I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.


A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.


Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.

Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.


Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.


I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.


I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…


I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.


What should we call our new store?

“Will we sell pottery?”


“Is it in a barn?”


“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”

Hell, I love it Carl.


ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns


If they criticize your driving, look them straight in the eye while you turn their airbag off.