@jazmasta

Who called it confronting ur husband Stanley about flirty texts from a girl named Rebecca from a former soviet state and not Who’sbeckystan?

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@Parkerlawyer

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

@nPhelendriqal

A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.

@serenehavoc

Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.

Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.

@thepunningman

Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.

@TheCatWhisprer

I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.

@MrsGoose69

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

@jjhartinger

I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.

@ClichedOut

What should we call our new store?

“Will we sell pottery?”

No.

“Is it in a barn?”

No.

“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”

Hell, I love it Carl.

@rockymomax

ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns

@Koonass3

If they criticize your driving, look them straight in the eye while you turn their airbag off.