If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
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Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?