Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
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“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
#DesignFail
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
A flock of dads is called a grill.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…