@ky_chu

Who called it death by autoerotic asphyxiation and not final fantasy

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@NourHadidi

Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.

@DrunksWithGuns

Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.

Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.

M:

H: Please leave Home Depot.

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m going to throw an awesome surprise party for my daughter when she gets home and realizes I know that she snuck out! SURPRISE!

@KevinFarzad

Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.

@sarah1mc

I should probably see someone about my mental health, like a drug dealer or bartender or something.

@LolaLuvsLollies

I’m sorry I said “sorry about your eyebrows” when you showed me your wedding photos

@CroweJam

My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.

@PhilJamesson

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]