Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
You Might Also Like
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
My birthstone is kidney
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s