Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase

You Might Also Like


GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this


Executioner: final words?
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.


When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.


I love Halloween because I can buy 9 bags of Snickers and everyone thinks I’m going to pass them out to kids.


AGE 17: I’m gonna play this game on nightmare mode and complete everything

AGE 27: I’ll play this on hard mode but probably won’t do every quest

AGE 37: I died just turning the game on


Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime


Hey plastic surgeons, breast implants with squeaker toys in em. Get on that


Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.


“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.


I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting