GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
GOD: no you’re fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
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Executioner: final words?
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
I love Halloween because I can buy 9 bags of Snickers and everyone thinks I’m going to pass them out to kids.
AGE 17: I’m gonna play this game on nightmare mode and complete everything
AGE 27: I’ll play this on hard mode but probably won’t do every quest
AGE 37: I died just turning the game on
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Hey plastic surgeons, breast implants with squeaker toys in em. Get on that
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun