Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
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They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
can’t believe I got front row seats
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time