Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
You Might Also Like
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
😂😂😂
Natural selection at its finest
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
oh my god
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me