Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
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“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
White Castle for the Win
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
classic mixup
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has