@writeden
@crylenol
CUTE GIRL: [motioning to my dog] is he yours?
ME: no, he’s adopted
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@crylenol
@gm_cage
I bought theater food once. Long story short my son will no longer be going to college..
@badbanana
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
@FrazzleMyGimp
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
@Snikoggs
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
@cravin4
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
@TheBoydP
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
@silent_musings
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
@qapvik_isuma
In other news my mom is a seagull egg for Halloween
@EndhooS
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour