If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
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Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
estão todos miauvindo?
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…