
CUTE GIRL: [motioning to my dog] is he yours?
ME: no, he’s adopted
CUTE GIRL: [motioning to my dog] is he yours?
ME: no, he’s adopted
I bought theater food once. Long story short my son will no longer be going to college..
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
In other news my mom is a seagull egg for Halloween
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour