@writeden
@Bunnydurden
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
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@Bunnydurden
@Cheeseboy22
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
@_youhadonejob1
Sorry, ladies.
@carlielyn
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
@RecursiveTaco
Recipe: leave the onions to sweat for 10 minutes
Me, to the onions: we need to have a talk when I get back
@ThugRaccoons
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
@MooseAllain
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
@Parker_Simpson
We’re probably like 10 years away from ppl running for president strictly for more Twitter followers
@jdforshort
College guy: How do you like it?
Me: Salty…of course
*slaps down $20
CG: We’ll take two pretzels with salt
~Get outta the gutter pervs
@murrman5
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*