Who called it getting stabbed by a sword and not death metal?

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Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.


FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.


I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.


Recipe: leave the onions to sweat for 10 minutes

Me, to the onions: we need to have a talk when I get back


Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?

Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.


My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.


We’re probably like 10 years away from ppl running for president strictly for more Twitter followers


College guy: How do you like it?

Me: Salty…of course

*slaps down $20

CG: We’ll take two pretzels with salt

~Get outta the gutter pervs


you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*