Who called it getting stabbed by a sword and not death metal?

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CUTE GIRL: [motioning to my dog] is he yours?
ME: no, he’s adopted


I bought theater food once. Long story short my son will no longer be going to college..


Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.


ME: Can I buy you a drink?

HER: I have a boyfriend.

ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.


[Job Interview]

“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”


“That’s not even close”

“But it was quick”


Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?


Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…


I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.


Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire

Wife: what really happened?

Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour