Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

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[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.


I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing


Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.


Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.


Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.


There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.


I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.


[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?


[gets pulled over]
Officer: *through window* Do you know why i pulled you over?
Me: *punches steering wheel* answer the man you criminal car


My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.