@bachpun

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

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@Beesthegame

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.

@envydatropic

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing

@sheseemslegit

Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.

@Dutch_50

Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.

@truegritrumble

Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.

@beckybbarr

There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.

@_Tempo11

I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.

@sixfootcandy

[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?

@yab_kat

[gets pulled over]
Officer: *through window* Do you know why i pulled you over?
Me: *punches steering wheel* answer the man you criminal car

@blondediva11

My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.