Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
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By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
that’s really how it is
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?