airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
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Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.