Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
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Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
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[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.