who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?

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“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?


when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”


Most of my friends are imaginary but don’t judge because so are you


“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.


COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*

ME: what’s that for?

COP: seriously?


COP: I think it’s to keep out ants


I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.


waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?

me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.


Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day


[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50