who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
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Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Fiction has to make sense.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?