Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
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*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
The news in a nutshell.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.