@Rollinintheseat

Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?

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@Dil_Tron

[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?

@Social_Mime

Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.

@isabelzawtun

Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case

@CodyJP9412

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

@Carbosly

“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.

@BoogTweets

[movie trailer]

IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES

*distant oinks and moo’s*

ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL

*dramatic music*

BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN

*slow piano music*

BEFORE HE HAD A FARM

*flying shot of rolling hills*

HE WAS…

*extreme close up*

YOUNG MACDONALD

[coming soon]

@PaulFrei

I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.

@EndhooS

Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste

@NrouteHQ

Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa