Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
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“How do we spell this pasta?”
“What the hell”
“I have some questions”
Roses are red
Violets are phony
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed…while married women come home see what’s in the bed and go to the fridge.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit