Maybe this lady is trying to perpendicular park.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
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[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
*extreme close up*
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa