Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
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Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”