Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?

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Hey girl are you the IRS, because you’re all up in my business.


The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.


[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?



If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?


*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want


1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.


Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.


In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.