@RiotGrlErin

Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?

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@thatUPSdude

Hey girl are you the IRS, because you’re all up in my business.

@UnFitz

The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.

@mister_blank

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

@TheBoydP

If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?

@catstronomical

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

@samalmightysam

1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.

@StinkyGr33n

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

@peachgrenade

In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.