Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
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A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
what my late-night hot pocket sees
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
A French press is when you hug naked
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.