Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
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Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”