Who called it "wearing a monocle" and not "putting on a bit of a spectacle?"

Who called it “wearing a monocle” and not “putting on a bit of a spectacle?”

Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.

dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.

Things I need now because of Twitter:
1. A cat
2. A beard
3. Printer for Avis
4. Duct tape
5. Rope
6. Gas card

Me: I’m so tired I need to sleep.

Ambien: Here I’ll help… Hey don’t forget to take off your clothes and pretend that you’re snow!

Me: K

The key ingredients for a successful diet :

Duct tape
Rope
Rat poison
Shovel
Bag of lime
Alibi

What?…wait. Wrong list.

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.

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