Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
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From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
That’s amazing.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.