@BallsToIt23

Who called it “wearing a monocle” and not “putting on a bit of a spectacle?”

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@pakalupapito

dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows

@notmythirdrodeo

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

@wittwitbarista

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

@Marcmywords2

Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.

@Jesstrat

Things I need now because of Twitter:
1. A cat
2. A beard
3. Printer for Avis
4. Duct tape
5. Rope
6. Gas card

@jergarl

Me: I’m so tired I need to sleep.

Ambien: Here I’ll help… Hey don’t forget to take off your clothes and pretend that you’re snow!

Me: K

@HeyZeus666

The key ingredients for a successful diet :

Duct tape
Rope
Rat poison
Shovel
Bag of lime
Alibi

What?…wait. Wrong list.

@Mindless4Miles

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

@olerunkbitch

I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.